|
jessnerd
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: jess
Country: United States
State: Texas
Gender: Female
Interests: maagggazines, eugene, pretty girls, being dope, josie maran
Expertise: shakin it like shakeera
Occupation: slack-off student
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/26/2004
|
|
| i wish i thought a little more with my heart. most people have a hard time ignoring their heart and going with their brain. i'm the opposite. it's such a closet wretched life. you start ignoring your feelings, your emotions. your choices are not what you want, it's what you think they should be. honestly, i don't really know what i feel anymore. i don't know what a feeling is suppose to feel like. i think somewhere in high school or college, i lost that ability to decipher a feeling from a well-planned thought.
so under the cloudiness and uninhibition that alcohol puts you through, i realized the meaning of life yesterday. i guess i'm a bit of an alcoholic because i tend to like a cup of wine in the evening by myself but then again when do i ever not like doing things by myself? ok so the meaning of life is this: it's not about being depressed about what you got and what you don't got. it's about.........dun dun dun ready for it? here it comes.......making the best with what you do got. that is not something i would have come to discover had it not been for the wine. because i do not think like that. and the more and more i thought about it, the more and more it absolutely made sense and the more more that hazy picture of life became clearer and clearer. sometimes i'm so stuck on complaining and regretting and feeling low about myself that it's such a waste of time and energy. why live life like that? just like....why? time will pass you up and punch you in the face and you'll be whiplashed into being middle aged and sucking at life. just plain sucking. i know i know. it sounds so basic right. it took me awhile and a little intoxication to get here but i'm here. hello world. so now what does that really change? on the surface, nothing. on the interiors, EVERYTHING. you can't tell. but i can tell, as long as i take my own advice seriously. i'll probably have one too many relapses before i'm actually changed.
laugh a little. oh yeah....hi i'm back to xanga. 
| | |
| not to sound like a complete loser but i guess my most exciting purchases are related to the internet be it a computer, pda/phone, the new autonet. which i think is pretty cool except that it kinda think its something you can bypass if you just buy other things.
well my comp which i have loved dearly for ~5 years got infected with some deadly swine flu x 1000 viruses. so i was on the lookout for a new laptop since like marchish. basically when i birthday rolled around i was like so pysched to get a lenovo. which i still think is one of the top ultraportable laptops around. i got mine for a really good price on their outlet store with all the features i wanted and all the requirements i was looking for but of course they messed up my order and it got cancelled and some other lucky bastardo got it because they didn't even tell me it had cancelled until i called in wondering where in the eff it was. not that i am bitter at all. no of course not. i mean i guess it worked out OOOKKK...eh.....sorta. i ended up buying the samsung nc20. sooooo dirt cheap and really good reviews. ill be straight: it really got some of the best reviews. but it does have cons: no internal cd drive which i could easily go on a 15 minute long rant about but i'll save it for a rainy day and lower hard drive memory than most laptops today. i mean that's really not bad. other than that, it's so friggin light and small, decent battery life, bluetooth capability, and the best thing about it is it's price. you need a good laptop that's light too? buy it for $560. you're not gonna find a better deal unless you're willing to pay AT LEAST 3 more bills on top of that. and if i had the money to spare i would have bought a lenovo or a sony but i don't have that extra 3 bills to spare so i went with the samsung. korean pride right? lol. ok that has nothing to do with it seriously. anyways it came in the other day and i was so happy. almost as happy as when i first got lucky (that was my college puppy, not as in "i'm getting lucky don't come in") or when i first got my ring mounted and saw it glisten off the sunlight in so many beautiful pristine ways i wanted to cry. regardless, here's my advice. i did the research. it's maybe not as thorough as some computer genius but as a lamen, i think it's credible. buy the samsung if you need it. but know that you gotta buy an external cd drive......which suuuuccckkkkksss. and if you buy the external on top of it, it's STILL AT LEAST 2 bills cheaper than the next best thing and that's if you happen to find some obscure sale.
i love love laptops. if i had money, i would probably buy another one just cuz.
| | |
| i forgot to order decaf for my starbucks drink so i suffer another sleepless night tonight. i am in for some major exhaustion by tomorrow because i am already sleep-deprived as it is or i just feel sleep-deprived. also tomorrow starts the beginning of major diet overhaul. who knows if this will even last. i'm really bad at eating healthy. i can eat smaller portions or only eat restricted calories but all processed foods or sugars. now i gotta say goodbye to the cheese and grease. so not looking forward to it. it sucks too cuz schlotzsky's is truly a bad influence on me.
sometimes i really am truly a girl in that such stupid things bother me like craazzzyyy. i feel so stupid too cuz it is exactly something i would ridicule other people about but i really had no idea i could be this bad. i think to be this image conscious it runs thick in my blood. that is why i can be so critical of other people's looks and also why i am so critical on myself. but i try to shed that side of me and deny is like crazy. i act like i don't care but i truly cannot deal with it on a mental level. it is a problem bc i am less than perfect...far from it but i am satisfied with perfection only or something dang near perfection. i have got to be one of the most image conscious people i know although most people would prob not know that by the way i try to be, want to be and yet it just never goes away.
on the other hand, my stupid problems are also mixed in with real tragic problems. really truly unfortunate things have happened to me that i absolutely have no control over. i thought i had it bad until something actually bad happened. i guess you never really know what a person is ever going through in life.
so i'm getting baptized soon. i'm pretty excited about it. even though i went to church regularly as a kid and was raised in a baptist then presbyterian church, my parents never baptized me. i don't think either of my parents are very strong christians but i am extremely grateful that they took me took church because it has definitely influenced my decisions as an adult. lately i get really scared that i won't be one of the lucky few to be granted entrance into his kingdom and that really scares me. i don't know if that's the right attitude to have but it definitely has motivated me to truly get to know christ better through his word. it also makes me really sad to think that if i get there, i won't see eugene or my family or some of my friends there even though supposedly you won't be able to recognize them regardless but still. but i think it a constant uphill battle and i hope i can constantly grow in christ. if there is any truth in this world, i really think it's His.
if i could friggin figure out what the heck i was made to do on this planet, i think my mind would be a lot less restless. problem with me is i like to sleep, i'm lazy, i eat a lot and then get sleepy, i don't really like working with other people....hm.....i guess i'm not that dumb with math tho so i gotta be able to do something right? you would think...omg..........that white mocha must have been strong. i never write this much.....
eugene always makes fun of me. it's funny tho so i let it go. i think i like it that way better. if my bf didn't make fun of me, i think it would be really boring. for instance, i have a misshapen(sp?) toe. he calls it my claws except i'm kinda sensitive about it so don't make fun of me right away unless you show me that you love me first.  also i'm always talking when we're eating lunch and he's watching law and order except i'm not watching and i'm so into the food i'm eating that i go on this 5 minute long topic about cookies or something else really stupid and i don't realize until the end that he just missed a really important part in the story and then he gives me these eeyyees and he gives me this unbelieveable face. it's pretty funny cuz i'm so like clueless and my story is so....useless. he also says i'm really slow at the store at like making pizzas or something and he always calls me a turtle and then i fire back with no, i'm the hare. i don't really know the difference between a hare and a rabbit except i always hear the turtle and the hare. which brings up a interesting topic that maybe i'll discuss later. also i sleep like a lot and i love sleeping and napping. and he always makes fun of me cuz i take like 3 hour naps and it takes me forever and a day to get out of bed and then i don't even have enough energy to speak or move for a good 30 minutes. funny thing is he always has to force me out of bed to do the most exhausting thing of all for the day, working out. it's pretty amazing that i even manage to actually do anything at the gym. and then he always calls me the queen producer or eye boogers, and boogers and earwax but i guess that is actually a justified comment. at least the eye booger and earwax part. how the heck do you keep those things in my god. which btw just cuz i have lots of eye boogers doesn't mean i don't find them disgusting. eye boogers are almost just as bad as boogers if they're the really slimy kind. ew  there's no disgusting smiley face so i had to use that one. ok i think that's enough wow white mocha seriously?! this is the longest entry i have written since like....an amazing amount of time ago.
| | |
| 24. thanks friends! i feel loved and i am definitely in a place where i feel that i am appreciated for being the person i am rather than being immaculately well put-together. and that for some reason has ALWAYS been a big issue with me. i feel very comfortable with this time in my life bc my friends are very drama-free, laid back people.
i dunno if it is just me, but watching normal people who are not celebrities trying to pretend like they are celebrities really bothers me. watching people act like that from a 3rd party perspective really makes you realize just how vain girls can be. and then it makes you think omg, i do that! so gradually i realized that that wasn't where my primary interests lie. that doesn't mean, that i have totally become your indifferent boy-woman. i mean, once in awhile, i so crave that girliness but i am too lazy and also i know what i lack and i don't need a constant reminder. it is hard to not desire those typical girl desires tho but...it is a work in progress.
i think i am lactose-intolerant. foshizzle.
dooby dooby doo. if anybody has any wedding song suggestions, feel free to leave me some ideasssss.
what the...the my last post was january??!! man....im losing the xanga love....
and i leave u with recently blown up cutie: taylor swift
 whoa are 19 yr olds allowed to look that good? hubba hubba. i promise i am not a lesbian.
| | |
| oh gawd thank you god for making jc come back on abdc. i'm such a teenybopper.... he is my favorite judge and gives the best most thorough criticism without using filler words. seriously lil mama and shane??? whatever don't even have to be there.
dude so this past friday underworld rise of the lycans came out. and i am not the least bit into all that weird fantasy storytelling crap. but we made our friends come and watch it with us and then it started this whole underworld marathon thing and we watched the rest of them on sat and sun. but i think for the first time in my life i can understand why someone would actually like that vampire wereworld stuff. and even though it is almost so gay you can't watch it, behind all the gay crap, there's actually a good story behind it. like one of my good friends and moh actually loves that vampire stuff, and i was soooo like confused as to what she was so into but now i almost kind of get it. but now that i've seen like underworld 1, 2, 3 and van helsing with kate beckinsale as the main girl, i see a picture of her and i start thinking she's like some weird...but hot..vampire wannabe (kind of like my friend) like for instance in this picture.
and it doesn't help that her dress is like a dark shade and the fan across her boobs looks like some dinosaur wings are gonna pop out of them. i dunno... maybe it's just me. it's ok tho cuz even tho she's pretty i don't really like her.
another person i don't really like but is hot.
 
she looks so good it almost doesn't look like her. if that makes any sense. except she looks constipated in the 2nd picture. but that's still the hottest constipated girl i've ever seen.
| | |
|
